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Desperation |

When you don’t know where to listen to, ‘cause the calls for you keep getting louder.

When you don’t know where to look at, ‘cause the responsibilities pile up everywhere.

When you don’t know what to do, ‘cause everything urgently needed your attention hours ago.

Your breathing stalls. It feels hard to pump oxygen into your body.

Your heart is smashing against your chest. Trying hard to function on your narrowing body.

You’re feeling dizzy. Your carotid artery is pulsing so hard that it hurts.

The tickling in your gut makes it worse. Acting as if what you're seeing was exciting, something fun to look forward to. And when your body suddenly realizes that there is no fun involved, only stress, misfortune and no way out, it feels like a hammer hitting you hard. Right in the face, only to make your eyes open wider. Open wider for the things you are missing out, the things you will never be able to do. Showing you all the worst-case scenarios, a million ways of you losing the game that’s called life.

And suddenly, you find yourself in a black box. Eyes are watching every tiniest move you make. You see yourself being chained to the walls, not able to move, not able to get away. Ever.

You feel forever stuck. Stuck in a dark cage. The walls are only getting higher. The black around you only seems to get darker. The chains are getting tighter.

You feel the control of your body slipping out of your fingers. The desperation expands to your body, convincing every atom of the life-threatening future you are facing. Allowing no mercy but forcing your body to get into fight mode.

And it starts fighting. Fighting against your keen dreams, fighting against your plan b, fighting against your last bit of hope.

Every muscle in your body cramps up, holding everything that is left very tight. Cramping even tighter in the moment you realize that no matter how tight you hold on, you will lose it all. That you are screwed. That you are lost.

Different dark versions of your future line up in your head, all pushing back the bright possibilities. Making them look unreachable.

But keep an eye on all of those scenarios, ‘cause it is not that desperation determines your future.

Desperation only means that multiple versions of your future exist in your head.

So choose wisely which one you like to live and manifest the brightest.

© Vanessa Hillen 2022-08-04


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