… continuation from My Poltergeist - Part I
It might be the virus that locked us into our rooms like kids who misbehaved and now have to think about what they did. It might be those dark winter days that steal every bit of sunlight, before I even get the chance to see it. It might be those special new challenges I face on a daily basis that force me to focus on a level no one prepared me for. It might be all those life-changing decisions that are not so life-changing after all, but still feel as if they are. It might be this one big goal that I set for myself that seems to be harder to achieve than I anticipated at the beginning. It might be that I am not just a sad motherf*cker, but also a fragile one. That I just cannot handle it all. It might be all of the above. I do not exactly know what it is, but I don’t feel like I have the time or power to find out. I am too busy persuading myself to get up, get out, and get over it many times a day over and over again.
It feels like running in a maze while my Poltergeist is standing on a tower, knowing my way out but deciding to keep me straying. All I see are the dirty walls he put up and all I hear is his shitty laughter, that makes me want to burn it all down and then just fall asleep.
Yes, this may sound deep and dark and bitter and like I have given up on life, but honestly I have not. I made it out of this once; I will make it out of this again.
My Poltergeist will never leave me, but I am convinced that in actuality he is as scared of me as I am of him. Because after all these years of our hateful relationship he did not manage to break or fully control me. There is something that I can, that he cannot. It does not matter that I do not know what that something is, because neither does he.
Nevertheless, that does not change the fact that right now I am still spiralling and I am still trying to figure out how I will survive the hurricane this time.
written originally 20.12.2020
© BLU 2022-02-25