It was not too long ago that I realized something interesting.
I was scrolling through Instagram (as you usually do) when I stumbled upon this video of a poetry slammer. Her name is Jae Nichelle and I remember exactly the first sentence she said: “My anxiety and I have what some people may call a “friends with benefits relationship". We have no love for each other, but she still just f*cks with me sometimes. Ya know?”
Oh, how I knew. She went on with this simile, creating a story about her, her anxiety and the life they live together. I could not help but notice some similarities. A couple of years ago, I invented a regular character in my diary. I called him my Poltergeist. He became a recurring character in my fictional stories that, let’s be honest, everyone knew are not fictional at all.
So, it made me think. If her relationship with her friend with benefits sounds so much like mine with my Poltergeist, does it mean that my Poltergeist is nothing but my personified anxiety?
This would mean that not only have I been experiencing anxiety my whole life, but also that I was able to recognize it, name it, put life into it and share it with the world without ever realizing what it actually was. Does that make me fatuous or brilliant?
These last few weeks, my Poltergeist has been a real b*tch. Yes, he had help from the outside world, but still. He is a master when it comes to maximizing minor inconveniences into a hurricane of doubt and worries, which I spiral into like a water slide on the hottest day of July. And boy, did I spiral this year.
We have been warned that it will be a challenging year for people with mental health issues, at least I was. However, none of these warnings were able to prepare me for this new levelled, super-intelligent, beastly giant my Poltergeist has evolved into. I have to be honest, in some way I find this flattering. I have become stronger, more resilient. He knew that and had to adapt. It took him becoming this Gigantor of a monster in order to impress me. And here I am. Impressed like one sad, sad, sad motherf*cker.
To be continued…
written originally in 20.12.2020
© BLU 2022-02-25